Bernie's Blog

04/05/2010

Im suffering! And Im not sure anybody cares. “She who must not be named” has taken to wandering around after me with a list of things to do. In an attempt to thwart her I came in early this morning and crossed most of the things off the evil “To do list”. This hasn’t worked, she’s just told me that crossing them off because I don’t like them isn’t good enough. Bloody hell !!

Its been an odd week starting with a business man refusing to shake my hand because Im a woman! I believe this is so that I’m not overcome with passion for him and then throw myself at him. He can be rest assured on that front!

Yesterday started very badly with a 9.30 meeting at Shop Direct. In a very obedient way I followed the stupid sat nav to their exact location, right in the middle of Liverpool, only to find out that they don’t reside in the middle of Liverpool any more and they moves miles away near Speke airport, I had to get a nice taxi driver to lead me all the way – which was a bit like something from Jim’ll fix it. Still, got there in the end and I don’t think they noticed I’d stepped into a huge puddle in car park E ( at least 3 miles from the front door) and had wet feet!

Have recently installed the press cuttings board, it now takes me at least 4 hours and countless cups of tea to thoroughly work through all the days papers, this leaves little time to do much about the “To do” list *smirk*

Grown up company is taking a number of staff to Chester races on Thrusday, this is excellent news as not only do I live within taxi distance, but its ladies day and all my girlfriends are going too. Now all I have to worry about is giving “She who must not be named” the slip and heading off to party with the girls : -)

Note to self: send shirty letter to TomTom.

17/11/2009

Life is weird - Big grown up company just gave me an assistant ! ( betcha don’t get that at the council) this would have been ace if she wasn’t so bossy. “she who must not be named” has virtually tied me to the desk in an attempt to get me to finish the “to do” list I started in July. Ive even taken to deleting all emails of things I don’t want to do so she cant nag me to follow them up... hehe! It’s a plan and so far so good !!

Also weird - is the amazing collection of tights that Sophie thinks matches with blue ankle boots. In an Ugly Bettyesque way I am daily subjected to the fashion equivalent of ketchup flavored ice cream *sigh* AND she is very Doris! Today she has informed me that cow lick can make hair re grow WEIRD!!

Funny AND weird - Lolly has had to get a door pass on a rope round her neck because she is too short to reach the lock pass thingie if she attaches it to her belt like the rest of us. Now I think that’s funny, but big grown up company has a HR department that is adding a section to the employee hand book so she isn’t discriminated against. Have suggested HR department apply to the council when they start recruiting again. I haven’t been asked for any more suggestions actually neither has Big Dave, he knows the handbook backward now and can recite it word for word including the mistakes.

Which reminds me, “She who must not be named” went on an adventure day in the summer and had a go on one of those army zip slide things. Imagining her attempting this is mildy amusing, finding out she didn’t put her legs forward on landing and ended up dragging them behind her is funnier. When you add the description of her tracksuit bottoms and underwear being dragged off on the grass as she landed at the feet of an unimpressed TA bloke, flat and half naked on her stomach its pretty damn hilarious. I'm not sure she likes me.

Note to self: Ensure my email is removed from “she who must not be named” ‘s machine, I think she's been sent to check up on me.

14/07/2009

OMG, Doris has gone to work in a pharmacy! Its true and whilst we are distraught that she has left us we are equally concerned for the public who may be dispensed to by her!

Well, the big move has happened and Intempo Towers has relocated to a company with a bigger tower ( and a ghost, but more on that later) the bigger company is all very grown up and does things like “critical path management” no Katie that doesn’t mean weed killer around the front door *sigh*! its all very odd and everyone wears a tie! ( whats that all about?)
Oh and we have a dress code apparently, but we are ignoring the bit about jeans. Lolly has a new Girls Aloud Tshirt and it ONLY works with skinny jeans.

Big grown up company is very serious about music which is good, they are also very serious about global domination which is excellent, Lolly, Eli and I have requested a visit to Mauritius, it appears ipod sales are good there and we believe they should have a strong Intempo presence out there as soon as possible. Please contact Lolly or myself should you wish to join us on this very important fact finding mission( yes Amazon, we know you all want to go as well).

Right, about this ipod nano phone, Im not paying out until September cos I still think its on the cards. It better had be because about half our road map supports it LOL. It also contains the totally brilliant new Phono speaker which I want NOW! I bet Big Grown up company has a policy about nicking samples though.

Note to self: check Big Companys handbook for rules on nicking samples OR just ask Big Dave cos I bet he’s actually read the bloody thing.


16/02/2009

My six year old announced after a visit from the “power man of Scotland” ( translated this as an electrician from Scottish Power) that “most teachers are killed by toasters”. I’m still speechless, though it wasn’t quite as good as when he proudly showed me the Hot Cross Bun that he had made at school and nonchalantly remarked “Jesus................DIED on a Hot Cross Bun!”

I saw the editor of the FT this week at a lunch thing, nice bloke, bit on the fence though. I’m just kicking myself that I didn’t ask any questions though, you know those really clever ones that you always think about after the event *sigh*. I would have definitely asked why are the government going to bail out the car industry when the retail industry needs far more help. I mean, let’s look at the figures. The car industry in the UK employs 180,000 people and turns over £10.2 billion, whereas the high-street employs 3 million people and is worth £312 billion. It’s pretty bloody obvious who needs help more! I was also amazed to discover that the permanent secretary to the Department of Business went to a total of 52 corporate hospitality events last year?!?!? That’s a fantastic job, and since I’ve been turned down by the Council ( update on that in a minute) I’m applying for his job! Oh and when they tell me am not qualified for that one I’m going to apply for the job of boss at HBOS cos you don’t even need to be able to count to get that one!

There has been progress with my attempt to get a job at the Council. Not only have we had several disgruntled council workers responding that they will not accept my CV but I’ve also had the following quite cross e-mail from Eli’s mother oops!

“Tell Bernie that I’m technically employed by a Council and my perks include 60-70 hour weeks, on call 24/365, holidays I never have time to take and sickness (including nervous breakdowns) which I can never find time to have. Alcohol is banned from the site and the place is overrun with teenagers. It certainly isn’t a holiday park!”

Im quite scared of Eli’s mother, so Im going to be very nice to her from now on. I shall however continue to try and gain employment with the Council/Whitehall and HBOS in an attempt to increase my salary, pension, holidays and of course perks ( including the VIP tent at the Kings of Leon gig in June)

Twitter??? Now I like a good cult as much as the next person and a great bit of viral marketing doesn’t do any harm ( indeed this is why most Doctors own Bose speakers LOL) but Katie Louise is forcing me to join the band wagon and update my every movement ( speaking of movements my friend Ian got diarrhoea on his latest corporate hospitality trip by Philips in Lisbon, he wouldn’t have got that on an Intempo trip). Anyway back to Twitter..........before I agree to Katie Louise’s demands I’m putting Doris on the case. If she can figure it out then so be it and I’ll do as I’m told.

Doris, bless her, was shocked to discover this week after inputting prices on the internal accounting system that it worked out the VAT correctly every time *sigh*. I think the 15 minutes she spent burning her forehead on the sunbed has worried her though as she thinks she’s caught ringworm from it – don’t even ask!!!

Note to self, remember to pack the Imodium for Bradders on the Intempo away day to Blackpool!! Date tbc.


23/01/2009

Typical, the Council are not presently recruiting! I shall make it my mission to check the classifieds regularly.

This week has been weird! Doris has set out her guide to relationships as follows:

1. Make sure she is going out with Kyle over Christmas and other present receiving occasions
2. Break up with Kyle in between because “e is doin me ed in”
3. Make up with Kyle for next present receiving occasion

Doris has also had a wisdom tooth out this week and we have been subjected to the most vile of details. However, she is now reassured that losing the tooth won’t affect her DS Brain Training age of 86.

Having checked my legal obligations I can now confirm I am indeed able to tell you about “BeanGate”.

Let me set the scene: Katie Louise and Jonny are in luuuuuurve. They do sweet things for each other like............ Katie washes and tumble dries his footie socks (shrinking them!) and Jonny makes Concrete Soup for Katie’s lunch about 3 times a week at least! Its a lovely match. Things however got a little heated recently as the email below shows.

From: Jon Saxon
Sent: 18 November 2008 12:11
To: Katie Richards
Subject: Beans

I’m seriously not impressed!!

By buying the wrong beans you have really stitched me right up. I did ask for the Tesco baked beans but you got me the Branston ones which I thought wasn’t a big issue at the time. However the beans you bought do not have a can opening facility on them and work do not have a tin opener!! So I am faced with the dilemma of going out buying myself some lunch or going spending £3 on a tin opener just to leave at work!!

Was really looking forward to my beans on toast as well!!! xx

The arrival of this email caused much stress to Katie Louise who had tried really hard and specially gone to buy him his favourite Branston Beans. In fury she forwarded the offending email to all at Intempo Towers whereupon it instantly became known as “BeanGate” We do love a good row at Intempo, especially one we can take sides over, in this case however we were laughing to much to offer any sensible advise at all.

Big Dave of the Calculator Department fame has made curry today for EVERYONE and its not a take away! He’s made it all himself, (Eli is just checking that if it poisons anyone Intempo can’t be held responsible and cannot be claimed against in a grievance meeting). This added to the pizza, wine and beer we all had in celebration of Katie Louise’s birthday yesterday lunch time has left our “healthy and looking fine in 2009” plans in tatters *sigh* We will have to start again next week.......or maybe next year !

Note to self: Check if customers are as excited about going on the “Intempo away day to Blackpool “as they are about the 4 days Sony trip to Dublin, 5 star hotel included.


19/01/2009

Do you ever get the feeling you are in the wrong job? *sigh* I so do! Today after hearing Katie Louise’s spider and bottom dream I gave pause for thought, it’s not that I’d rather be a spider its just that I’d rather not be here, well today I’d rather not be here. I think it all started with the 2 hour trek to work. Then I got thinking about other BRILLIANT jobs that I could do.

For instance, if I had a job at the council and that's ANY job at ANY council, think of all those extra holidays. Need “Life enhancing surgery”? Well then that's an extra 3 weeks off for say a Boob job. Or I could be on holiday and have a bit of a cold for 2 of those days, well at the council you simply call in and they add a couple of extra days to your holiday entitlement!!! OR if you are ill on a Sunday you can tell the council and they will give you an extra day as holiday because you missed part of your weekend !!!!!!!! I am very sure I could do a number of jobs at the council and if today doesn’t improve significantly I will be applying.

Shrek ( my car) is feeling much better after the nice man at Halfords performed emergency surgery on Saturday - I only went in for windscreen wipers! But the nice man who fitted them also noticed the oil light was on, the screen wash was empty ( the giveaway here was me throwing water on the screen from the water bottle on my front seat), the front right headlight was out and the break light was out. I do think it was above and beyond the call of duty for him to fix everything but he did! And it only cost 50 quid which was a whole 150 quid cheaper than the Shrek garage.

Remind me to tell you about Katie Louise and “BeanGate”

Note to self: check if legally I can relate the “BeanGate” story including the email! Oh and get a list of Council jobs available this week.


07/01/2009

It's over! Christmas that is, contrary to the sign thats still up next to the clock in the office, you know the one that says "It's Christmas time". Bet that's still there next Christmas! Actually Lolly has now added a small picture of Cliff Richard in the snow underneath it. God I HATE January! And another thing, why did I get BOSE speakers for Christmas?? I'm not sure I can cope with 2009.

Doris started off the year with a flourish of half full cups of tea for everyone, she claims that if they are any fuller, she spills them. This may explain why she gave me 2 half filled cups of tea this morning. She has however announced that she has managed to achieve a brain age of 88 on her Christmas Nintendo DS, we are not sure how to respond to this so suggestions are welcome. Let me point out this is Doris we are talking about, the very same one that informed us all she had spent Saturday night in the bisexual toilets of a local nightclub! We now believe it was actually a unisex toilet. Her education continues.

I'd like to apologise to those of you that got New Year texts from me telling you how much I love you, that includes the bank manager, the freight company and the QA team. I think you all know that the text wasn't meant for you.

iPhone Nano? Bet you £50 !

Note to self: the 6ft cardboard cut out of Zac Efron REALLY has to go!


03/12/2008

I love it when its my turn in the "Broken Department" it's brilliant and yes it is true that we can and do provide technical help on Bellway cookers and indeed Dyson Vacuum cleaners, I can't however promise that this technical help will be correct but I can assure you it will be heartfelt. Just a few pointers though might help if you need to ring us.

- If your IPod says "Philips MP3 player" on the front then ITS NOT AN IPOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- If your name is Mr Sing, the next time you use swear words even we haven't heard of before we shall call the police.


Fashion disasters happen with regularity at Intempo, GT has a strange DelBoy sheepskin coat and Doris is well er..Doris. But today was Katie-Louise's turn. After checking out the latest look and trying to convince us for weeks that she wouldn't look like a total spanner if she wore a headband, Hiawatha style in the middle of her forehead; she finally braved the scepticism and turned up wearing one this morning. Not only did she indeed look like a spanner but she also suffered from crippling headaches and a bright red band shaped disfigurement when she removed it at lunchtime. Headband now in bin!

Christmas has arrived, I know this because we have a sign below the clock stating "it's Christmas time, now!" in black ink. Cheers Lolly, when I suggested we put up decorations I had no idea this would be so enthusiastically carried out by yourself.

Note to self: show equal enthusiasm when buying Lolly's secret santa!

26/11/2008

Today I am recovering from an early grieving period for my dog, which turned up alive and not dead hence the speedy recovery. This has put me in a relatively good mood, despite the credit crunch and the mental phone conversation I held prematurely as it turned out with Pet plan!

My Dilbert calendar November 18th has warned me against ambiguous communications so in an attempt to follow Dilbert's advise I shall be as unambiguous as possible. WHY aren't we invited to the Comet supplier awards this year?? I believe I was very well behaved last year and just because we handed out free John Lewis pens at the Argos Atrium event doesn't mean we don't know how to behave at a party! Well, except for Katie Louise who woke up with her face in a plate of bacon sarnies that had actually been ordered for Comet! Yeah, I'll just blame her. Brilliant!

Speaking of brilliant, we loved the US elections at Intempo not because of the awe inspiring speeches by Obama or the fantastic sense of optimism it appeared to spread for days after, but mostly because of our Doris. Our Doris is cherished at Intempo for her unfailingly brilliant Dorisisms, for example, the morning after the elections we asked her to name the new US president. After some time and a great deal of encouragement she managed Eric Bahamas! Clearly we needed to work on her general knowledge and spent much of the following day preparing the great Doris Education paper ( a copy of which has been sent to the education minister for review) Now our Doris knows that when the flag flies at Buckingham palace the Queen is in residence and when only at half mask she now knows someone important has died and NOT that the Queen is on her way home.

Note to self: I think it might be a bit weird to have a 6 ft cardboard cut out of Zac Efron by my desk